Abercrombie & Fitch… A Strip Joint that Sell Clothes

After my first visit to Abercrombie & Fitch in 21 years, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s basically a strip joint that sells clothes.

I’m old enough to remember when Abercrombie & Fitch sold safari gear, guns and other cool stuff. I bought a pair of hiking boots there when I was 13-years-old before going to Boy Scout camp. After college, I went into a local A&F store in 1992 to see the changes and check out all the cool grunge, flannel stuff. Well, things have changed again.

Recently, my girls pressured me to go back into an Abercrombie & Fitch. To begin, it looks like a strip joint from the outside complete with blacked-out windows, barkers trying to get you inside, and the occasional pair of barely-dressed Ken and Barbie hotties standing outside the door live and in person.

I walked in only to find another person in the doorway. I thought maybe I had to pay a cover charge or something. She waved me in, and the entrance opens up into nightclub/strip joint scene complete with smoke, that smell they pump in, low lights and LOTS of bass. Instead of one open store, it’s a series of dark rooms, so I can’t tell if I’m at the bar or in the VIP lounge. Which side is guys and which is girls? It all runs together. I figure the cool lighting is intended to make you look better in their stuff than you would in the light of day. Sort of like some hail-damaged dancer on the main stage that turns into a MUCH better version of herself when the lighting is just right. Now that I think about it, I think it made my bald spot disappear.

Lucky for me, all of the stuff my girls were interested in was on the sale rack. This is the stuff that didn’t sell – aka… clothes that have enough material to cover what they are supposed to cover on a 13-year-old girl. Then, I had to figure out where to pay, which somehow seems more confusing in that store than in other stores (maybe that’s part of cool factor). After the easily confused, but VERY good-looking, girl running the cash register finally got us squared away, she hands me a bag with some naked dude on it.

As is usually the case, the girls are leading me to the next stop in the mall while I carry their bags. However, this time I get to walk around the mall carrying a giant bag with a naked guy on it that screams, “HEY, I JUST WENT SHOPPING AT THE STRIP JOINT.” If that’s not bad enough, now everyone is looking at me like I’m the pathetic middle-aged guy shopping at A&F as a way to deal with my mid-life crisis (don’t worry A&F, your stuff doesn’t fit me – just like you planned). Seriously, I’ve never wanted to carry a Forever XXI bag so much in my life until the day I walked through the main part of the mall carrying a huge shopping bag with a naked guy on it.

And if there’s any doubt you’ve actually spent time in A&F, then just walk up and smell my clothes. I’ve never wanted to smell like smoke and keg beer so much in my life. If you spend ANY amount of time in there, you will totally have THAT smell on you. So, even after you’ve hidden the naked guy shopping bag in the trunk of your car, anyone that gets close enough will like at you like, “Dude, you smell like you just went shopping at the strip joint in the mall.” …The shame

© Johnny Hea – 2013 All Rights Reserved