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It all starts with PEOPLE

November 9, 2011

As the only guy in a house with three other women, I often find myself doing girl things without knowing it. For about the first 14 years of our marriage, we didn’t have a television in our bedroom. At first, we didn’t have the room for it, then it would have kept the baby awake, and then we heard it was bad for your love life (after kids you need all the help you can get). So, we would read at night. I would have a book and Carla would have her PEOPLE magazine – the bible of American culture and a female ‘must have’. To this day, I have personally never witnessed a woman walk past a PEOPLE magazine without picking it up. Early on when my wife was reading an issue I rarely even noticed. It looked like a TV Guide to me.

Then, one day I took a puff off of the PEOPLE pipe. It began innocent enough with me looking over Carla’s shoulder, then I would read a story she suggested, then I found myself spending my reading time looking through old issues (it comes out weekly like Sports Illustrated). Then, I crossed over. I took an issue to the bathroom with me one day when nobody was around, and once a periodical makes it to the throne room, it signifies a watershed event. I then went from reading my mother-in-law’s hand-me-down issues to ‘giving’ Carla her own subscription.

Then, one day in the doctor’s office, I picked up what looked like a PEOPLE and noticed it was a bit edgy, and entertainment news was much trashier. I liked it. It was an US Weekly. Then I found myself reading OK! Magazine, InStyle Fashion, InStyle Home….etc. This stuff is everywhere. It all looks the same, but somehow each is slightly different. I don’t get it. I’m confused. Are earth tones back in style? What is the new black? Is Lindsay Lohan in trouble again? Was Bradley Cooper really seen out with J. Lo?

I am no longer in denial about my problem, and have I learned to manage it. But I often find myself in a group of women at parties dishing scoop on Brangelina (not Bradgelina), Jennifer Hudson, Katy Pery…etc., talking Glamour Don’ts, discussing the resurgence of opaque hose, Fall handbag trends and how grey is the new black. I don’t even notice. When I realize what I am doing I stop, take a breath, walk over to the guys, and say something like, “did you see Brock Lesnar destroy Valesquez at UFC 121?”

Who am I?????? What is happening to me????

© Johnny Hea – 2011 All Rights Reserved

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One Comment
  1. Marie Overfors permalink

    What a funny article! Thanks for the chuckles.

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