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No, Daddy Can’t Afford a Girlfriend. Besides, Mom Won’t Let Me Have One

April 13, 2012

After teasing my 10-year-old daughter about having a boyfriend, both my girls decided to tease me about having a girlfriend. I told them that mom won’t let me have one, and besides, I really don’t have the time or the money.

 

I realize it’s commonplace for many single, middle-aged guys to have girlfriends, but I explained to my daughters that I’m married to mom, so it’s not allowed, and I have neither the time nor the money. First of all, I really don’t see how these guys that have a girlfriend on the side afford it. With a wife and two daughters, it’s all I can do keep them feed, clothed and watered. Not to mention all of the recurring non-recurring expenses that seem to come up each month (broken washer, broken phone…etc.). So, I’m not sure I would impress any ladies with the $20 I get to keep for myself after each paycheck. If we each paid for our own lunch, then maybe, but my wife and I already do that and it’s not getting me very far. I tried to explain that I want a simpler life, and that would just complicate things.

 

Forget about having to remember ANOTHER birthday, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas, but I would have to buy ANOTHER present for each. But before I even got to that point, I would have to have a cool car, clothes that aren’t too big and actually fit and a pair of shoes that I didn’t buy because they were comfortable.

 

I know it’s fashionable for single guys my age (I’m 43) to have a 20-something girlfriend, but I really don’t get it. I view 20-something women like Italian sports cars – great to look at, but expensive to own and eventually I would look ridiculous with one. You see, those guys in their 40s somehow feel like they are having a second life after they hook-up with a 20-something. I TOTALLY get it. They are traveling, having fun and feel like they are in their 20s again. I understand that. Sounds like fun. But they are COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that their girlfriends are still women, and after they get married everything will eventually change when that 20-something soon becomes a 30-something and wants babies.

 

So, the guy that thought he was one of Peter Pan’s Lost Boys dating a Pixie and living in Never Never Land will soon find himself in his late 50s, having babies and changing his kids’ (and not his grandkids’) diapers and trading in his sports car for a mini-van so he can help with carpool. Nothing wrong with that, but that isn’t how he thought things were going to turn out when he was picking up his 20-something girlfriend with the top down a few years ago. Let’s not forget all those guys that had their wings clipped will need to get that reversed and then redone. Trust me, living through this once is enough. More kids also means another round of private school tuition, prom dresses, first cars, college expenses and weddings. Not to mention uncomfortable holidays with your in-laws (since you are about the same age) and complicated estate plans.

 

So, like I said I can’t afford a girlfriend.

 

© Johnny Hea – 2012 All Rights Reserved

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2 Comments
  1. I was having this conversation recently with my husband. I told him I would never cheat on him because, quite frankly, I’m not interested in even keeping him happy so I would I want another man to please? Being married means there are some things I don’t have to do in the bedroom. Like putting on sexy lingerie instead of my flannel. Plus, if I had time to have an affair (all the energy it takes to sneak around and hide it), I would rather spend that time alone. Joel would find me in a cheesy motel. Alone. Eating a donut and watching TV undisturbed. I just really want to have an affair with myself.

    I like that you think like me. A pragmatist.

    • I was thinking of buying a Windstream trailer and parking it behind my house for the same reason. I could call it the “Happy Place.” Then when the drama is too much inside my house, I could go to my “Happy Place” and decompress. With cable and food of course.

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