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Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big???

January 5, 2012

The classic female question: “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” has been answered incorrectly by guys for centuries. Not because every guy answers, “Yes!” but because every guy is answering the wrong question.

Let me explain. After almost two decades of marriage, I have learned that the question your wife is asking is not actually the question she is asking. What I mean is that when your wife asks, “Does this outfit make me look fat?” she does not want a ‘yes or no’ guy answer (ok – sometimes she does, but hang with me for minute). What she really wants to know is if you love her and you are forever committed to her even though she may not be perfect. But if you aren’t listening closely, you won’t hear the question.

I have created a fictional character in my head named Mr. Wonderful who has perfect insight into women, and has a flawless response to any and all questions his wife or girlfriend may ask. So, when I get a question from my wife I stop myself from answering the question and think how Mr. Wonderful would respond before words actually come out of my mouth.

For example, if your wife asks, “Do you think my friend ______ is pretty?” The basic guy would answer, “YEAH! She is smokin’ hot! Are you kidding?” Bad answer. Mr. Wonderful would hear the real question and say, “Sure, she is pretty, but I love you.” That’s what she wants and needs to hear.

Another question would be, “Do I look tired? I think I look tired.” The basic guy would say, “You mean because of the giant, black circles under your eyes the makeup can’t hide?” Mr. Wonderful would say, “Honey, you have had a lot on your plate lately. Why don’t you sleep in Saturday morning and I will take the kids.”

Now, there are times when it is best to say nothing at all, and knowing when not to talk is probably more important than learning what to say. So, if you were to walk in and find your wife watching television while eating out of a bag of leftover Halloween candy and empty candy wrappers cover the couch like spent shotgun shells litter a duck blind, then even Mr. Wonderful won’t be able to help you. I will give you and Mr. Wonderful the same advice on this one. Act as though you were walking down the street, looked into a random alley, and witnessed a mafia hit. Keep your mouth shut, turn away and keep walking as though you didn’t see a thing. In either situation, any response you can muster will only end badly.

© Johnny Hea – 2012 All Rights Reserved

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4 Comments
  1. I like this, it would be nice if my husband were like this, but no. So, that is why we are divorcing.

  2. Update your copyright, J. It’s a whole new year!

  3. Joyce Schaefer permalink

    Very good advice – especially about the situation when you should walk away!

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